I thought the worst thing Nathan had done was leave me.
I was wrong.
The day I learned that, I had seventeen dollars in my checking account and a carton of milk in my hand.
I stood in the dairy aisle of a Chicago grocery store, trying to decide whether I could afford to take it home.
I was five months pregnant.
My name was Claire Hayes, and I was twenty-seven years old.
Those were the facts I could say out loud without feeling embarrassed.
The rest was harder.
I had once been engaged to a man who could buy nearly anything he wanted.
Now I was standing beneath fluorescent lights, adding prices in my head.
Milk.
Bread.
Prenatal vitamins.
The vitamins mattered most.
I had already returned the eggs to their shelf because the total was getting too high.
I remember standing there for a moment after putting them back.
It seemed like such a small decision.
Nobody else in that store would have noticed.
But I noticed.
I noticed every little thing I had started doing since my life fell apart.
Checking prices twice.
Putting things back.
Pretending I wasn't hungry when I was really just frightened of spending money.
I looked at the milk again.
I needed it.
That was what I told myself.
Then I looked down at my stomach.
My baby needed me to make sensible decisions.
That thought usually helped.
That afternoon, it made me feel worse.
I wasn't asking for an easy life.
I just wanted to reach the end of one ordinary day without being reminded of everything I had lost.
I lowered the milk into my basket.
And then I heard his voice.
"Claire. Is that really you?"
My hand stopped on the basket handle.
I knew that voice.
I had once waited to hear it every evening.
I had once believed it belonged to the man I would spend my life with.
Nathan.
For a few seconds, I kept looking at the milk.
I hoped he might continue walking.
I hoped he might realize I didn't want a conversation.
But Nathan had never been particularly good at leaving something alone when he knew it made me uncomfortable.
"Well, this is unexpected."
I turned.
He stood several feet away in a jacket that probably cost more than everything in my kitchen.
His hair was neatly styled.
His shoes looked new.
And he wore that familiar expression I used to find charming.
The little smile that suggested he already knew how the conversation would end.
There was a woman beside him.
His new fiancée.
I recognized her immediately.
She was the woman he had been involved with while he and I were still planning our wedding.
I looked at her face first.
Then at her left hand.
The diamond caught the light when she shifted her shopping bag.
I knew that style of ring.
Nathan had given me something almost identical.
For a moment, I remembered looking at my own ring and believing it meant something permanent.
I had been proud to wear it.
Looking back, that pride embarrassed me more than I liked to admit.
Nathan's eyes moved down my body.
They stopped at my stomach.
He made a small noise, almost a laugh.
"You look different."
I said nothing.
He tilted his head.
"Quite a bit different, actually."
His fiancée looked at my belly.
Then she smiled.
Not the kind of smile people give a pregnant woman.
The kind they give when they are pleased to see someone else struggling.
I tightened my grip on the basket.
"Hello, Nathan."
He glanced at the things inside.
"Shopping for yourself?"
"Yes."
"That's all?"
I looked down.
There wasn't much there.
I wished I had chosen a different store.
A different aisle.
A different time.
"I need to finish shopping."
I moved the basket toward the opening between them.
Nathan didn't move.
Instead, he looked me over again.
"I barely recognized you."
His fiancée gave a short laugh.
I felt my face getting warm.
There had been a time when Nathan could make me feel beautiful with one sentence.
Apparently, he could still make me feel small just as quickly.
I tried again.
"Could you let me pass?"
He ignored the question.
"How far along are you?"
"Five months."
His eyebrows rose.
"Already?"
I didn't answer.
I had spent enough time explaining myself to Nathan when we were together.
I wasn't going to begin doing it again in the grocery store.
His fiancée touched his arm.
"Don't be mean."
For one foolish second, I thought she might actually be asking him to stop.
Then she added, "She probably has enough to worry about."
They laughed together.
I looked toward the end of the aisle.
A woman with a shopping cart had slowed down.
She glanced at us and then pretended to examine something on a shelf.
I knew she could hear.
That made everything worse.
Nathan noticed her too.
He always liked an audience.
When we were engaged, I had called it confidence.
I had told myself he was simply comfortable around people.
I had even admired him for it.
Now I understood how much of that confidence came from knowing he had the money to embarrass someone without worrying about the consequences.
He looked at my basket again.
"Are things really that bad?"
I swallowed.
"I'm managing."
"Doesn't look like it."
His fiancée leaned slightly closer.
"Maybe she's just being careful."
Her voice was sweet.
Too sweet.
Nathan laughed.
"Claire was never very good at knowing when to ask for help."
I stared at him.
He had said those words before.
When we were together, he used to tell me I was stubborn.
Sometimes he meant it affectionately.
Other times he said it when I disagreed with him.
I had spent too long trying to tell the difference.
I looked down at my basket.
Milk.
A few basic groceries.
Nothing expensive.
Nothing I should have been ashamed of buying.
Still, I wanted to hide it.
That was when Nathan reached into his jacket.
For a moment, I thought he was getting his phone.
Instead, he pulled out his wallet.
He opened it slowly.
There were several large bills inside.
He took out a handful of hundreds.
I watched the money between his fingers.
I hated that I watched it.
I hated that a small part of me immediately started calculating what it could pay for.
Groceries.
Vitamins.
Things I had been putting off.
Nathan saw my eyes move.
Of course he did.
He smiled.
"Here."
He held the bills toward me.
"Get yourself a proper meal."
I stared at his hand.
He moved the money a little closer.
"And buy something useful for the baby while you're at it."
I didn't reach for it.
He looked toward his fiancée.
"See? This is what I mean."
She shook her head.
"Some people would be grateful."
The woman with the shopping cart had stopped completely.
Another shopper stood a little farther down the aisle.
I heard the faint sound of a phone being moved.
When I glanced sideways, I saw someone holding one up.
The camera was pointed in our direction.
I felt a cold sensation in my stomach.
Not pain.
Fear.
There was already enough of my life that I couldn't control.
I didn't want this moment recorded.
I didn't want strangers watching me stand in front of the man who had betrayed me while he offered me money like I was something he had found on the sidewalk.
Nathan extended his hand again.
"Take it, Claire."
I looked at the bills.
Then at his face.
I remembered how easily he had once promised to take care of me.
I remembered believing that meant he would stand beside me.
Not above me.
And certainly not in front of an audience, waiting for me to admit I needed him.
"No."
The word came out quietly.
Nathan blinked.
"What?"
"I don't want your money."
His smile grew thinner.
"Don't be ridiculous."
"I'm serious."
He glanced at my basket again.
"You're carrying practically nothing."
"I know what I'm carrying."
His fiancée laughed.
"Being independent must be exhausting when you can't pay for anything."
I looked at her ring.
I couldn't help it.
The diamond looked almost exactly like mine had.
There was a time when I would have been hurt simply by seeing it.
That afternoon, I felt something different.
I felt tired.
Tired of Nathan.
Tired of being reminded that he had replaced me.
Tired of having to explain why losing him didn't mean I had lost the right to be treated with respect.
I adjusted the basket against my hip.
"Enjoy your afternoon."
I stepped to the side.
Nathan moved with me.
He was still holding the bills.
"Come on, Claire. Don't act like I'm insulting you."
I looked at his hand.
"You could put that away."
"I'm trying to help."
"No. You're trying to make sure everyone sees you offering."
His expression changed.
Only slightly.
But I recognized it.
I had seen it whenever I said something he couldn't easily dismiss.
He didn't like being understood.
His fiancée folded her arms.
"That's a pretty rude way to respond to generosity."
I felt the baby shift faintly inside me.
I placed my free hand over my stomach.
It was becoming a habit.
When I was worried, my hand went there before I even thought about it.
Nathan noticed.
His gaze settled on my belly again.
Then he asked the question I had been hoping he wouldn't ask.
"So where's the father?"
I kept my face still.
He smiled.
"What happened? Did he leave?"
I said nothing.
"Somebody must have promised you a nice life."
I looked directly at him.
"That isn't your business."
His fiancée made a small sound of amusement.
Nathan continued as if I hadn't spoken.
"And now you're here, trying to stretch a few dollars."
He shook his head.
"That sounds familiar."
I felt my throat tighten.
Not because his words were clever.
They weren't.
But because he knew enough about my life to make each one hurt.
He knew what I had once believed.
He knew what I had given up when I trusted him.
And now he was standing in front of people who knew nothing about me, enjoying the chance to make me look foolish.
I glanced toward the shopper with the phone.
She was still recording.
I wanted to ask her to stop.
Instead, I looked back at Nathan.
"Please move."
He didn't.
He lifted the bills slightly.
"Last chance."
I looked at the money one final time.
Seventeen dollars.
That number was still in my head.
I knew exactly how much those bills could change the next few days.
But I knew something else.
Nathan wouldn't have forgotten giving them to me.
He would have reminded me.
Again and again.
He would have told people how generous he had been.
And every time I disagreed with him afterward, he would have pointed back to that afternoon.
As if buying groceries gave him the right to own my gratitude forever.
I took a slow breath.
Then I said, "Keep it."
He stared at me.
I shifted my basket into my other hand.
The plastic handle pressed against my fingers.
I was frightened.
I was embarrassed.
But I was still standing.
And for the first time since Nathan had walked into the aisle, I stopped trying to make him comfortable.
Click here to continue reading: PART 2: THE WOMAN WEARING A RING LIKE MINE LAUGHED AT MY BABY WHILE NATHAN WAITED FOR ME TO BEG
I HAD SEVENTEEN DOLLARS LEFT WHEN THE MAN WHO BROKE MY HEART FOUND ME COUNTING GROCERIES IN FRONT OF STRANGERS
Part 1 of 5
