The elevator opened onto the seventh floor.<\/p>\n
For one irrational second, I considered pressing the button for the lobby and leaving before Jeremy arrived.<\/p>\n
Instead, I stepped into the hallway.<\/p>\n
A nurse pointed toward the last room.<\/p>\n
\u201c714.\u201d<\/p>\n
My shoes made almost no sound on the polished floor.<\/p>\n
I had imagined meeting Lacey again many times over twenty-two years.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I had imagined apologizing.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I had imagined discovering she was happier than I was.<\/p>\n
In my least generous moments, I had imagined her seeing Jeremy and me together and realizing she had lost.<\/p>\n
I had never imagined cancer.<\/p>\n
Room 714's door stood partly open.<\/p>\n
A television murmured inside.<\/p>\n
Then a woman's voice asked, \u201cIs that her?\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse looked at me.<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
She pushed the door wider.<\/p>\n
Lacey turned her head.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
Illness had reduced her physically without erasing her.<\/p>\n
A scarf covered her head. Clear tubing ran from her arm toward a machine. Her face was narrow and pale.<\/p>\n
But the eyes were unmistakable.<\/p>\n
Blue.<\/p>\n
Alert.<\/p>\n
Older than the eyes I remembered from 2004, but still Lacey's.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou came,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked me to.\u201d<\/p>\n
She indicated the chair beside the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSit.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat.<\/p>\n
She studied my left hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still wear your ring.\u201d<\/p>\n
My eyes dropped to hers.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do you.\u201d<\/p>\n
A narrow gold band circled her finger.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy bought it at Walmart.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ordinary detail angered me more than something extravagant would have.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you love him?\u201d<\/p>\n
I hadn't planned to ask that first.<\/p>\n
Lacey did not pretend she needed time.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word hurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never really stopped.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
Nashville traffic moved below us.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid he love you?\u201d<\/p>\n
She lowered her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe loved the girl I used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's evasive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's accurate.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why marry him?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey closed her eyes briefly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I got sick, I discovered fear changes shape.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I'd be afraid of dying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWeren't you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot as much as I was afraid of doing it alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her parents were gone. Her brother lived across the country. Friends had children, jobs, aging parents, lives that could not revolve around chemotherapy appointments.<\/p>\n
Then, by chance, she had encountered Jeremy at Vanderbilt.<\/p>\n
\u201cHere?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn this hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe didn't come looking for you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou expect me to believe that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
She coughed, waited for it to pass, then continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first, he didn't even tell me he was still married.\u201d<\/p>\n
My hands tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did he mention me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter I asked why he kept coming back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd after he told you, you let him keep coming?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was no performance of innocence.<\/p>\n
That made it harder to attack her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told him to go home,\u201d she added.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many times?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEnough that he stopped listening.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy did he keep coming?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said he couldn't leave me alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the ring.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd marriage?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked a married man to marry you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew exactly what that made him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice remained quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew it was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you did it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was dying, Jill.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn't make it legal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOr fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you want?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her fingers touched the ring.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne selfish thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo die believing that, for a little while, I had been his wife.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two years earlier, I might have hated her for saying it.<\/p>\n
Now I saw the IV line, the hollows beneath her eyes, the careful way she breathed.<\/p>\n
Compassion did not erase anger.<\/p>\n
Anger did not erase compassion.<\/p>\n
They sat together, equally real.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you sleep with him?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey looked straight at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I searched her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cNever?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot once.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause he was married to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou married him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how ridiculous that sounds.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt doesn't sound ridiculous. It sounds convenient.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe slept in that chair.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded toward a recliner beside the wall.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes he held my hand. Sometimes we talked. Sometimes he snored so loudly I considered unplugging his phone charger out of spite.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite myself, I almost smiled.<\/p>\n
Then the smile vanished.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo he didn't cheat physically.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut emotionally?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey was silent.<\/p>\n
Finally she nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
That honesty cut deeper than denial would have.<\/p>\n
Jeremy had not simply visited a sick friend.<\/p>\n
He had built a concealed relationship around illness, memory, guilt, and affection.<\/p>\n
He had given another woman Tuesdays.<\/p>\n
He had given me explanations.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Lacey nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't even know whether that's true.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that too.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJill.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped near the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy isn't why I wanted you here.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned.<\/p>\n
Lacey reached beneath her pillow and withdrew a small envelope.<\/p>\n
My first name was written across it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething my lawyer said you should have.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause Jeremy doesn't know about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked back.<\/p>\n
The envelope was heavier than a letter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat am I supposed to do with this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRead it after you leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you'll have questions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI already have questions.\u201d<\/p>\n
A tired smile touched her mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cThese will be different.\u201d<\/p>\n
I held the envelope.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you giving me anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey looked at me for a long moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I hated you for years.\u201d<\/p>\n
The bluntness surprised me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you stole him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't need to make me feel better.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm not.\u201d<\/p>\n
She shifted against the pillow.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Jeremy and I were young, everybody thought we'd marry. I thought so too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo did I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you came along, blaming you was easy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou had reason.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSome.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Jeremy eventually told me what actually happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe chose you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI pursued him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew he was with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew exactly what I was doing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what's the distinction?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe distinction is that Jeremy wasn't an object you carried away.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe made a choice,\u201d Lacey continued. \u201cAnd I made one too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat choice?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou left because of me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot entirely.\u201d<\/p>\n
Something in her voice changed.<\/p>\n
I sat again.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat aren't you telling me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I left for Nashville, I was pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room seemed to shift beneath me.<\/p>\n
\u201cPregnant?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith Jeremy's baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid he know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe knew I was pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
My fingers went numb around the envelope.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why did he let you leave?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe didn't exactly let me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was angry. He was confused. We were young and terrible at saying what we meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tried to reconcile this with the story I had believed for twenty-two years.<\/p>\n
Lacey had left because Jeremy chose me.<\/p>\n
Jeremy and I had married.<\/p>\n
Nobody had ever mentioned a child.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere is the baby?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her face answered before she spoke.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere wasn't one.\u201d<\/p>\n
My stomach dropped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI miscarried eight weeks into the pregnancy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Jeremy know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot then.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I wanted him to hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer came without self-defense.<\/p>\n
\u201cI blamed him. I blamed you. Mostly I blamed myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
I covered my mouth.<\/p>\n
For years I had carried guilt over stealing someone's boyfriend.<\/p>\n
That guilt suddenly looked childish beside what Jeremy had apparently carried.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did he find out?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLater.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHis mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEvelyn?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey nodded.<\/p>\n
Jeremy's mother had died twelve years earlier.<\/p>\n
I remembered her as a warm woman with practical hands who always made too much food and quietly defended me whenever other relatives treated me like the woman who had disrupted Jeremy's expected future.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe knew?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI contacted her after the miscarriage.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know anymore. Maybe I wanted someone connected to Jeremy to know what had happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd she told him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at the floor.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn't he tell me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShame. Guilt. Fear.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor twenty-two years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey's eyes held mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't say those were good reasons.\u201d<\/p>\n
A knock sounded.<\/p>\n
We both turned.<\/p>\n
Jeremy stood in the doorway.<\/p>\n
His work shirt was wrinkled. His face had gone pale.<\/p>\n
He looked first at me, then Lacey, then the envelope in my hand.<\/p>\n
Something close to panic crossed his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cJill.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew about the pregnancy.\u201d<\/p>\n
His shoulders lowered.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew she lost the baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew she had cancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou married her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd for three years, you came home to me and said you were working.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped toward him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou decided I didn't deserve the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I was protecting you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom all of this.\u201d<\/p>\n
He gestured helplessly toward the room.<\/p>\n
I laughed, but there was no humor in it.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou created all of this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You know what you intended. You don't know what you did to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never stopped being your husband.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't get to decide that alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
Lacey closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease.\u201d<\/p>\n
We both looked at her.<\/p>\n
Tears had gathered along her lashes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't have enough time left to spend it listening to the two of you destroy each other.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jeremy went automatically to her bedside.<\/p>\n
He took her hand.<\/p>\n
I watched him do it.<\/p>\n
There was tenderness between them.<\/p>\n
Real tenderness.<\/p>\n
I hated seeing it.<\/p>\n
I also finally understood why hiding it had required so many lies.<\/p>\n
Jeremy looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI should have told you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was afraid you'd leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was my decision to make.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStop saying that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
Lacey squeezed his hand.<\/p>\n
Then she looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe envelope.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced down.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJeremy hasn't seen what's inside.\u201d<\/p>\n
His head turned sharply.<\/p>\n
\u201cLacey, what did you give her?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething she deserves.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yours to decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
For the first time since entering the room, I saw the younger Lacey\u2014the woman who could apparently hold a grudge for twenty years and still tell a man when he had no right to interfere.<\/p>\n
Jeremy looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cJill, don't leave until we talk.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can't talk to you yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen when?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I know what I'm talking about.\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked into the hallway.<\/p>\n
The envelope trembled in my hand.<\/p>\n
Inside the elevator, I opened it despite Lacey's instruction.<\/p>\n
There was a letter.<\/p>\n
A copy of a legal document.<\/p>\n
And an old photograph.<\/p>\n
The photograph showed Jeremy and Lacey at nineteen.<\/p>\n
Jeremy had one hand resting against her stomach.<\/p>\n
On the back, in faded ink, someone had written a date from 2004.<\/p>\n
Beneath it were four words.<\/p>\n
Our baby. Eight weeks.<\/p>\n
My knees nearly gave way.<\/p>\n
Then I unfolded Lacey's letter.<\/p>\n
The first sentence made me forget to breathe.<\/p>\n
Jill, there is one more thing Jeremy has never told you about the year you thought you stole him from me.<\/p>\n
The elevator opened onto the seventh floor. For one irrational second, I considered pressing the button for the lobby and leaving before Jeremy arrived. Instead, I stepped into the hallway. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7508,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feel-every-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7512","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7512"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7512\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7623,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7512\/revisions\/7623"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/7508"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}