On the morning chemotherapy began, Allison woke before the alarm.<\/p>\n
It was 4:52.<\/p>\n
I knew because I was already awake.<\/p>\n
She lay beside me staring into the darkness.<\/p>\n
Mateo slept in the bassinet.<\/p>\n
For once, neither of us pretended we might fall asleep again.<\/p>\n
At five fifteen, Allison whispered, "I want to shower."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
She sat up slowly.<\/p>\n
Her surgical pain had improved, but sudden movement still reminded her that recovery was unfinished.<\/p>\n
I did not offer help until she stood.<\/p>\n
She made it to the bathroom alone.<\/p>\n
Ten minutes later, I heard crying.<\/p>\n
Not a fall.<\/p>\n
Not pain.<\/p>\n
Crying.<\/p>\n
I stood outside the bathroom.<\/p>\n
"Allison?"<\/p>\n
"I'm fine."<\/p>\n
The phrase meant nothing anymore.<\/p>\n
"Do you want me to come in?"<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
Then, "Yes."<\/p>\n
She sat on the closed toilet lid wearing a robe.<\/p>\n
Her short hair was wet.<\/p>\n
In her hand was the breast pump.<\/p>\n
"I pumped almost nothing."<\/p>\n
I sat on the floor.<\/p>\n
She looked furious.<\/p>\n
"I've been doing this every three hours."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"I set alarms."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"I drank water. I ate everything they told me."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"And this is all I got."<\/p>\n
A small amount of milk sat in the bottle.<\/p>\n
She held it up as though it were evidence against her.<\/p>\n
"That's not nothing."<\/p>\n
"Don't."<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
She cried.<\/p>\n
"I wanted enough for weeks."<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
"I wanted him to still have something from me while poison is going into me."<\/p>\n
There was no useful correction to that sentence.<\/p>\n
Chemotherapy was medicine.<\/p>\n
It was also toxic enough that she had been told not to breastfeed during treatment.<\/p>\n
Both truths could exist.<\/p>\n
"I hate my body."<\/p>\n
She said it quietly.<\/p>\n
I moved closer.<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
"I know I'm supposed to be grateful."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"For what?"<\/p>\n
"For anything."<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
"You don't owe gratitude because treatment exists."<\/p>\n
She stared at me.<\/p>\n
"Marcus?"<\/p>\n
"Maybe."<\/p>\n
"He is useful."<\/p>\n
"Unfortunately."<\/p>\n
She laughed through tears.<\/p>\n
I held out my hand.<\/p>\n
She gave me the pump.<\/p>\n
"What are you doing?"<\/p>\n
"Washing it."<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"Because you pumped."<\/p>\n
"There isn't enough."<\/p>\n
"Allison."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
"You said it mattered."<\/p>\n
Her face crumpled again.<\/p>\n
I washed the parts.<\/p>\n
She labeled the small bottle.<\/p>\n
Date.<\/p>\n
Time.<\/p>\n
Less than two ounces.<\/p>\n
Then she put it into the freezer beside the others.<\/p>\n
By six thirty, Teresa arrived to stay with Mateo.<\/p>\n
She stood at the doorway until Allison invited her in.<\/p>\n
That ritual had become normal.<\/p>\n
"How are you?" Teresa asked.<\/p>\n
Allison gave her a look.<\/p>\n
"Terrible question."<\/p>\n
Teresa nodded.<\/p>\n
"Fair."<\/p>\n
She tried again.<\/p>\n
"Do you want coffee?"<\/p>\n
"Better."<\/p>\n
Rachel arrived ten minutes later.<\/p>\n
She carried the same overnight bag she had brought the first day she returned.<\/p>\n
"Why do you have luggage?" Allison asked.<\/p>\n
"In case treatment goes badly."<\/p>\n
"Optimistic."<\/p>\n
"Experienced."<\/p>\n
We drove to the infusion center together.<\/p>\n
Rachel sat in the back.<\/p>\n
Allison held my hand across the console.<\/p>\n
At a red light, she said, "I want to turn around."<\/p>\n
I remembered the gas station before surgery.<\/p>\n
"We can pull over."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
She tightened her grip.<\/p>\n
"If I stop, I might not start again."<\/p>\n
So I kept driving.<\/p>\n
The infusion center looked nothing like the dramatic hospital rooms I had imagined.<\/p>\n
Recliners.<\/p>\n
Blankets.<\/p>\n
Televisions.<\/p>\n
IV poles.<\/p>\n
People reading books.<\/p>\n
A man asleep beneath a baseball cap.<\/p>\n
An older woman doing a crossword puzzle while clear medication dripped into her arm.<\/p>\n
Ordinary life happening beside dangerous medicine.<\/p>\n
A nurse named Carmen introduced herself.<\/p>\n
She reviewed Allison's medications and explained the sequence.<\/p>\n
Pre-medications first.<\/p>\n
Then chemotherapy.<\/p>\n
Hydration.<\/p>\n
Monitoring.<\/p>\n
Questions.<\/p>\n
Side effects.<\/p>\n
Call immediately for fever.<\/p>\n
Allison listened.<\/p>\n
I took notes.<\/p>\n
Then I noticed her watching me.<\/p>\n
I closed the notebook.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"Nothing."<\/p>\n
"No, what?"<\/p>\n
She smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
"You noticed."<\/p>\n
"I am capable of learning."<\/p>\n
"Occasionally."<\/p>\n
Carmen inserted the IV.<\/p>\n
Allison looked away.<\/p>\n
Rachel watched.<\/p>\n
I watched Allison.<\/p>\n
When the first chemotherapy bag appeared, Allison's breathing changed.<\/p>\n
Carmen checked her identity twice.<\/p>\n
Medication.<\/p>\n
Dose.<\/p>\n
Date of birth.<\/p>\n
Safety rituals.<\/p>\n
Then she connected the line.<\/p>\n
Allison stared at the clear tubing.<\/p>\n
"That's it?"<\/p>\n
Carmen nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's it."<\/p>\n
Allison began crying.<\/p>\n
Carmen handed her tissues.<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry."<\/p>\n
"No apology needed."<\/p>\n
"I thought it would look different."<\/p>\n
"Most people do."<\/p>\n
The medication began dripping.<\/p>\n
Allison looked at me.<\/p>\n
"There's chemotherapy going into me."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"I have cancer."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
Even after weeks of appointments, she still seemed surprised by the sentence.<\/p>\n
Maybe we both were.<\/p>\n
Rachel sat on her other side.<\/p>\n
For the first hour, things were uneventful.<\/p>\n
Allison drank water.<\/p>\n
We talked about television.<\/p>\n
Rachel told a story about accidentally setting off her apartment fire alarm while cooking.<\/p>\n
I made fun of the bagels she had brought the previous week.<\/p>\n
Normal conversation.<\/p>\n
Then Allison became nauseated.<\/p>\n
Carmen adjusted medication.<\/p>\n
The nausea eased.<\/p>\n
Later came a headache.<\/p>\n
Then exhaustion.<\/p>\n
Not ordinary tiredness.<\/p>\n
Her entire body seemed to become heavier.<\/p>\n
By the time the infusion ended, she looked gray.<\/p>\n
"Can you walk?" I asked.<\/p>\n
Her eyes sharpened.<\/p>\n
I heard it.<\/p>\n
Wrong question.<\/p>\n
I corrected.<\/p>\n
"Wheelchair or walking?"<\/p>\n
"Wheelchair."<\/p>\n
No pride.<\/p>\n
No argument.<\/p>\n
Progress.<\/p>\n
I got one.<\/p>\n
On the drive home, Allison barely spoke.<\/p>\n
Rachel sat beside her in the back because she had started feeling sick again.<\/p>\n
I focused on the road.<\/p>\n
At home, Teresa opened the door.<\/p>\n
Mateo was in her arms.<\/p>\n
The moment Allison saw him, she began crying.<\/p>\n
"I can't hold him."<\/p>\n
Teresa stopped.<\/p>\n
"You can if you feel steady."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
Allison looked at her hands.<\/p>\n
"What if there's chemo on me?"<\/p>\n
Rachel answered gently.<\/p>\n
"You aren't radioactive."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"But you don't feel safe."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
Teresa held Mateo closer.<\/p>\n
"I'll keep him right here."<\/p>\n
Allison went upstairs.<\/p>\n
I followed.<\/p>\n
She sat on the edge of the bed.<\/p>\n
"I thought I'd come home and hold him."<\/p>\n
"You still can later."<\/p>\n
"What if I can't?"<\/p>\n
"Then tomorrow."<\/p>\n
"What if tomorrow is worse?"<\/p>\n
I sat beside her.<\/p>\n
"Then the next day."<\/p>\n
She turned on me.<\/p>\n
"You keep having answers."<\/p>\n
The accusation surprised me.<\/p>\n
"I'm trying to help."<\/p>\n
"I don't want help."<\/p>\n
I felt defensiveness rise.<\/p>\n
Then shame.<\/p>\n
Then fear.<\/p>\n
She doesn't appreciate anything.<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The old pattern.<\/p>\n
I breathed.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
She stared.<\/p>\n
"I'll stop."<\/p>\n
"Stop what?"<\/p>\n
"Trying to fix the next five minutes."<\/p>\n
Her shoulders lowered.<\/p>\n
"I feel horrible."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"I don't want a solution."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"I just want to say I feel horrible."<\/p>\n
"Then say it."<\/p>\n
She lay back.<\/p>\n
"I feel horrible."<\/p>\n
I sat beside her.<\/p>\n
"That sucks."<\/p>\n
She laughed weakly.<\/p>\n
"Better."<\/p>\n
Ten minutes later, she vomited.<\/p>\n
I held the basin.<\/p>\n
Then cleaned it.<\/p>\n
Then brought water.<\/p>\n
No speeches.<\/p>\n
No promises.<\/p>\n
That evening, fever became our fear.<\/p>\n
We checked her temperature every time she felt warm.<\/p>\n
Normal.<\/p>\n
Normal.<\/p>\n
Normal.<\/p>\n
At eleven, Mateo began screaming downstairs.<\/p>\n
Teresa had gone home.<\/p>\n
Rachel was asleep on the couch.<\/p>\n
I picked him up.<\/p>\n
He did not settle.<\/p>\n
Bottle.<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
Diaper.<\/p>\n
Clean.<\/p>\n
Burping.<\/p>\n
Nothing.<\/p>\n
His cries became sharper.<\/p>\n
Allison heard him.<\/p>\n
"I want him."<\/p>\n
I carried him upstairs.<\/p>\n
She held out her arms.<\/p>\n
"Are you sure?"<\/p>\n
Her face hardened.<\/p>\n
I corrected immediately.<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
I placed Mateo against her.<\/p>\n
He stopped crying within seconds.<\/p>\n
The silence was almost comical.<\/p>\n
Allison looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Traitor."<\/p>\n
I whispered to him.<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
Then she started crying.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"He knows me."<\/p>\n
"Of course he knows you."<\/p>\n
"I was afraid he wouldn't."<\/p>\n
She pressed her face against his hair.<\/p>\n
For twenty minutes, she held him.<\/p>\n
Then her arms began trembling.<\/p>\n
She looked ashamed.<\/p>\n
I did not wait for her to ask.<\/p>\n
I held out my arms.<\/p>\n
She gave him to me.<\/p>\n
"Thank you."<\/p>\n
"No problem."<\/p>\n
She lay down.<\/p>\n
At midnight, her temperature was normal.<\/p>\n
At one, normal.<\/p>\n
At two, she slept.<\/p>\n
I took Mateo downstairs.<\/p>\n
Rachel was awake.<\/p>\n
"How is she?"<\/p>\n
"Bad."<\/p>\n
"Normal bad?"<\/p>\n
"I think so."<\/p>\n
Rachel nodded.<\/p>\n
"First few days can be rough."<\/p>\n
I sat across from her.<\/p>\n
"I keep wanting to do something."<\/p>\n
"You are doing something."<\/p>\n
"Cleaning vomit isn't fighting cancer."<\/p>\n
Rachel looked at me.<\/p>\n
"That's exactly the kind of thing caregivers say before they burn themselves out."<\/p>\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"You think only dramatic things count."<\/p>\n
I remembered Marcus.<\/p>\n
Projects.<\/p>\n
Visible accomplishments.<\/p>\n
Rachel continued.<\/p>\n
"Treatment is mostly ordinary misery."<\/p>\n
She gestured toward the stairs.<\/p>\n
"Food. Water. Medication. Laundry. Driving. Sitting there."<\/p>\n
I looked down at Mateo.<\/p>\n
"That doesn't feel like enough."<\/p>\n
"It isn't supposed to feel heroic."<\/p>\n
That sentence stayed with me.<\/p>\n
The next morning, Allison woke feeling worse.<\/p>\n
Her bones ached.<\/p>\n
Food tasted strange.<\/p>\n
The smell of coffee made her nauseated.<\/p>\n
She cried because toothpaste tasted metallic.<\/p>\n
She cried again because she was crying about toothpaste.<\/p>\n
I made toast.<\/p>\n
She ate half a slice.<\/p>\n
I did not praise her.<\/p>\n
I had learned that too.<\/p>\n
At noon, Teresa brought soup.<\/p>\n
She left it at the door because Allison did not want company.<\/p>\n
No guilt.<\/p>\n
No dramatic text.<\/p>\n
Just soup.<\/p>\n
By afternoon, Allison could sit downstairs.<\/p>\n
Mateo slept against my chest.<\/p>\n
She watched us.<\/p>\n
"You're good with him."<\/p>\n
The compliment made me uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
"I'm getting better."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
"You're good with him."<\/p>\n
I let myself accept it.<\/p>\n
"Thank you."<\/p>\n
She stared at the floor.<\/p>\n
"I'm jealous."<\/p>\n
"Of me?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"You get to be healthy with him."<\/p>\n
I had no answer.<\/p>\n
She continued.<\/p>\n
"You get to pick him up without wondering whether your blood counts are okay."<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
"You get to plan next month."<\/p>\n
I moved closer.<\/p>\n
"I wish you had that."<\/p>\n
"So do I."<\/p>\n
No false equivalence.<\/p>\n
My fear was not her illness.<\/p>\n
My exhaustion was not chemotherapy.<\/p>\n
Loving someone through suffering did not mean claiming equal suffering.<\/p>\n
That evening, Allison's temperature reached 100.3.<\/p>\n
We stared at the thermometer.<\/p>\n
The oncology instructions said call at 100.4.<\/p>\n
We checked again.<\/p>\n
100.4.<\/p>\n
I called immediately.<\/p>\n
The nurse told us to come to the emergency department.<\/p>\n
Allison closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"We have to go."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
Rachel grabbed the hospital bag.<\/p>\n
Teresa came for Mateo.<\/p>\n
Within twenty minutes, we were back in the car.<\/p>\n
Allison shivered despite a blanket.<\/p>\n
At the hospital entrance, she looked at me.<\/p>\n
"I can't keep doing this."<\/p>\n
I heard the despair beneath the sentence.<\/p>\n
I did not tell her she could.<\/p>\n
I did not tell her she was strong.<\/p>\n
I took her hand.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to do all of it tonight."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Just this part."<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
We went inside.<\/p>\n
Blood was drawn.<\/p>\n
Cultures taken.<\/p>\n
Hours passed.<\/p>\n
Her fever climbed slightly.<\/p>\n
The doctors worried about infection but said her white count had not yet dropped dangerously.<\/p>\n
They started antibiotics as a precaution.<\/p>\n
At three in the morning, Allison lay under hospital blankets staring at me.<\/p>\n
"This was infusion one."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"How am I supposed to do two more?"<\/p>\n
I remembered Rachel's words.<\/p>\n
Not every day is awful.<\/p>\n
But this day was.<\/p>\n
So I did not ask Allison to imagine the good ones.<\/p>\n
"We'll decide about infusion two when it's time."<\/p>\n
"What if I quit?"<\/p>\n
The question frightened me.<\/p>\n
I let it.<\/p>\n
"Then you talk to Dr. Mehta about what that means."<\/p>\n
She stared.<\/p>\n
"You wouldn't be angry?"<\/p>\n
"I'd be terrified."<\/p>\n
"That's not what I asked."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"I wouldn't punish you for being the person who has to live inside the treatment."<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to quit."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"I just want to be allowed to want to."<\/p>\n
"You are."<\/p>\n
She reached for my hand.<\/p>\n
Outside the room, a cart rattled down the corridor.<\/p>\n
Inside, Allison's fever slowly began falling.<\/p>\n
Nothing about the first infusion had been heroic.<\/p>\n
There had been vomit, fear, tears over toothpaste, a screaming baby, and another emergency-room visit.<\/p>\n
But sometime before dawn, I understood what Rachel had meant.<\/p>\n
Care was not proven by defeating helplessness.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it was proven by staying useful while helplessness remained.<\/p>\n
On the morning chemotherapy began, Allison woke before the alarm. It was 4:52. I knew because I was already awake. She lay beside me staring into the darkness. Mateo slept … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4203,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4243","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feel-every-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4243","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4243"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4243\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4308,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4243\/revisions\/4308"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4203"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4243"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4243"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}