Years after David\u2019s death, people often asked Ethan whether writing the book had been difficult.<\/p>\n
He always struggled with the answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes\u201d was true.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo\u201d was also true.<\/p>\n
The hardest part had not been remembering.<\/p>\n
The hardest part had been accepting that memories could hold contradictions.<\/p>\n
His father could be loving and afraid.<\/p>\n
His mother could be wrong and still devoted.<\/p>\n
His grandmother could have protected him and still carried her own mistakes.<\/p>\n
The family story had never been divided into heroes and villains.<\/p>\n
It had always been a group of people trying to love each other while carrying wounds they did not understand.<\/p>\n
That was harder to write.<\/p>\n
It was also more honest.<\/p>\n
One evening, Ethan visited me after finishing another interview for a new article.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re quiet,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is usually dangerous.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI interviewed someone today who reminded me of Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was a good person.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a strange reason.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I mean he was good, but he was exhausted because he thought everyone depended on him.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I wanted to tell him what Dad learned.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did David learn?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat being needed is not the same as being loved.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ethan looked out the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cI realized something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDad spent years trying not to repeat his father\u2019s mistakes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe accidentally created a different version of the same problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cExplain.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGrandpa Robert believed emotions were weakness.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDad believed emotions were responsibilities.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd both made feelings heavier than they needed to be.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was exactly the kind of understanding David had hoped Ethan would reach.<\/p>\n
Not a rejection of the past.<\/p>\n
An understanding of it.<\/p>\n
Ethan kept the toolbox.<\/p>\n
Not in my basement anymore.<\/p>\n
He kept it in his own home.<\/p>\n
Beside his books.<\/p>\n
Beside his notes.<\/p>\n
Not hidden.<\/p>\n
Not displayed.<\/p>\n
Simply present.<\/p>\n
A reminder of where he came from.<\/p>\n
Years later, when Ethan and I talked about the first night he came to my house, he admitted something I had never known.<\/p>\n
\u201cI almost turned around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I walked to your house.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou almost went back?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I thought if I showed up, I would prove Mom right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I was choosing against her.\u201d<\/p>\n
I reached across the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were a child asking for help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I learned something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes the hardest thing is not leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes the hardest thing is admitting you need somewhere safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
I never forgot those words.<\/p>\n
Years after David\u2019s death, people often asked Ethan whether writing the book had been difficult. He always struggled with the answer. \u201cYes\u201d was true. \u201cNo\u201d was also true. The hardest … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1792,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feel-every-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1813","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1813"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1813\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1848,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1813\/revisions\/1848"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1792"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1813"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1813"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1813"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}