Maddie asked about her mother again while I was clearing the table.<\/p>\n
She was sitting on the rug with her blanket over her legs.<\/p>\n
Bentley sat beside her, arranging the same toys she had already put away.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan Mom sing to me tonight?\u201d Maddie asked.<\/p>\n
Bentley's hands stopped.<\/p>\n
I set the plates in the sink.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don't know if we can talk to her tonight, sweetheart,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Maddie looked disappointed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want her song.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bentley immediately began humming.<\/p>\n
It was a soft tune, no more than a few notes repeated over and over.<\/p>\n
Maddie watched him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's not Mom's song.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSing her song.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bentley tried again.<\/p>\n
He changed the tune slightly, then stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can't remember it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Maddie's face crumpled.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut Mom sings it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Bentley looked at her as if he had failed at something important.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm sorry,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n
I came over and sat on the rug with them.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's all right, Maddie. You miss your mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cWant Mommy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She reached for Bentley, and he pulled her close.<\/p>\n
He looked at me over her head.<\/p>\n
His expression held an apology he hadn't spoken.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to replace his mother.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him that he could love Maddie without becoming every person she needed.<\/p>\n
But I knew those ideas were difficult to accept when the person who normally comforted both of them was missing.<\/p>\n
So I started with something simple.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you like me to sit with you while she gets sleepy?\u201d<\/p>\n
Maddie nodded.<\/p>\n
Bentley looked relieved, then guilty for feeling relieved.<\/p>\n
I pretended not to notice the guilt.<\/p>\n
We settled on the couch.<\/p>\n
Maddie lay between us with her blanket tucked beneath her chin.<\/p>\n
Bentley began humming again.<\/p>\n
This time, he didn't try to make the tune sound exactly like Amber's.<\/p>\n
He simply hummed until Maddie's breathing grew slower.<\/p>\n
When she finally closed her eyes, he stopped.<\/p>\n
He stayed very still.<\/p>\n
I waited a little longer before lifting Maddie carefully and carrying her to the bedroom.<\/p>\n
Bentley followed me down the hallway.<\/p>\n
I tucked her into bed and moved the blanket away from her face.<\/p>\n
She stirred but didn't wake.<\/p>\n
Bentley stood near the doorway.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe likes it when Mom stays until she falls asleep,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm sure she does.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes she says she isn't tired because she doesn't want Mom to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at Maddie's bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom says she'll be right outside the door, and then Maddie goes to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could picture the routine.<\/p>\n
I could picture Amber sitting on the edge of the bed, smoothing her daughter's hair and waiting through the last few minutes of the day.<\/p>\n
It was an ordinary kind of love.<\/p>\n
That was what made its absence so painful.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you like to sit with her for another minute?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
He sat on the edge of the bed and brushed a strand of hair away from Maddie's forehead.<\/p>\n
He didn't speak.<\/p>\n
After a while, he stood and followed me back to the kitchen.<\/p>\n
The blue jar was still beside the telephone.<\/p>\n
Bentley sat at the table.<\/p>\n
I brought him a glass of water and placed it within reach.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want to talk?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot really.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's all right.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat across from him.<\/p>\n
He took a drink, then rested both hands around the glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes I get mad at Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I feel bad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can feel angry and still love someone.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me as though he wasn't sure that could be true.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut she didn't mean to leave us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe don't know everything that happened, Bentley.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared into the water.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe told us she'd come back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know she did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if she tried and couldn't?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question was so quiet that I almost missed it.<\/p>\n
I thought about the promise Amber had made.<\/p>\n
I thought about the way Bentley had repeated it, holding on to the words because they were all he had.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's one possibility,\u201d I said. \u201cBut we don't know yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI keep thinking maybe she needs help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI think it's right to keep trying to find out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if she doesn't know how to call us?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we need to keep looking for the right way to reach her.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou won't stop?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He studied my face.<\/p>\n
Then he looked down again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI get scared when the phone rings.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced at the telephone.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you're afraid it might be bad news?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause it might be Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his thumb over the rim of the glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if it's not her, then I feel stupid for hoping.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt a heaviness in my chest.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're not stupid for hoping.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt feels stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that it feels that way.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes I hear the phone in my head even when it's not ringing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat quietly for a moment.<\/p>\n
He had been living with the sound of a telephone that might ring at any moment.<\/p>\n
Every silence gave him another chance to hope.<\/p>\n
Every actual ring brought the possibility of disappointment.<\/p>\n
He was exhausted by both.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould it help if we moved the telephone a little farther away?\u201d I asked. \u201cI would still hear it, but you wouldn't have to sit beside it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He glanced at the blue jar.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan the jar stay there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He thought about it.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe move the phone to the counter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right.\u201d<\/p>\n
I carried the telephone from the table to the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n
I made sure the volume was turned up.<\/p>\n
Then I returned to my chair.<\/p>\n
Bentley watched me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can still hear it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEven from there?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEven from there.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
The blue jar remained on the table.<\/p>\n
For the first time since we had brought it over, Bentley didn't pull it closer.<\/p>\n
He left it where it was.<\/p>\n
We sat together until the kitchen clock marked another quarter hour.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask him to talk.<\/p>\n
He didn't ask me another question.<\/p>\n
Eventually, he carried his glass to the sink and returned to the chair.<\/p>\n
He sat with his hands folded in his lap.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm tired,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen let's get you ready for bed.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood without arguing.<\/p>\n
I walked him down the hallway and waited while he settled beneath the blanket.<\/p>\n
The lamp was still on from the night before.<\/p>\n
He looked toward the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan you leave it open?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the telephone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's on the counter. I'll hear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I turned toward the hallway.<\/p>\n
\u201cArlene?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked back.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you for not getting mad at me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood still for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere's nothing you did that makes me angry with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at the blanket.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
But his voice suggested that he was still learning how to believe it.<\/p>\n
I left the door open and returned to the kitchen.<\/p>\n
The telephone sat on the counter.<\/p>\n
The blue jar sat on the table.<\/p>\n
Neither had changed.<\/p>\n
But the house had become a place where Bentley could finally stop humming when his sister fell asleep.<\/p>\n
He could be tired without having to pretend otherwise.<\/p>\n
He could be angry without having to punish himself for it.<\/p>\n
And he could hope for his mother without being ashamed.<\/p>\n
I wished those things were enough to bring Amber home.<\/p>\n
They weren't.<\/p>\n
So I kept the telephone close and continued to wait for the answer we still needed.<\/p>\n
PART 15 END<\/p>\n
Maddie asked about her mother again while I was clearing the table. She was sitting on the rug with her blanket over her legs. Bentley sat beside her, arranging the … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":17803,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17818","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-feel-every-story"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17818","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=17818"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17818\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17838,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17818\/revisions\/17838"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/17803"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=17818"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=17818"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/feeleverystory.online\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=17818"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}